Let me add a disclaimer before I give my honest feedback: I have never really written fiction, so I can’t speak from a place of real knowing, though I have read lots of fiction. The closest I’ve gotten is narrative non-fiction. If you want an idea of what my writing is like in that genre, you can read “I Watched Him Overdose.” I believe I’ve only posted four other pieces since then, so it should be easy to find on my profile.

Here are my thoughts: I think you have a natural talent for writing, but it still wants some refinement. There were numerous objective typos, and when I see those it makes it hard for me to take the story seriously because I feel like you didn’t take your own work seriously enough to go through a thorough editing process.

Your writing has a wonderful natural flow, and you seem to frequently use dependent clauses (sentence fragments) as if they were sentences to punctuate it. Be careful with this; it’s a break from the rules so it should only be done sparingly and with intent. Otherwise, it comes off as gimmicky, interrupts the flow, and reads like an error.

You gave me lots of detail, and you have a talent for giving detail. But I sometimes wondered, why is the focus on this? Just be careful that it’s done with purpose.

Also, a story needs to be what it is on its face, have a deeper meaning, or both. If the story is somewhat meandering and doesn’t have a clear narrative progression, then I expect the subtext to compensate for that. It has to be an excellent story, an excellent message, or, preferably, both. The story, to me, didn’t have a clear progression, so I found myself searching for a meaning I wasn’t quite able to grasp.

All in all, it was your first attempt and it read to me like the work of a talented beginner. Just keep writing, and I think you’ll produce many great stories.

I hope this was helpful. All the best!